Thinking about life.

So, if all goes as planned- this should be quite a long entry. There is just something inspiring about sitting alone, in a small crowded room, with no air conditioning, no noise, and indian-stylin' in just your boxers with a laptop waiting for you on a bed that isn't even yours. (For those of you who have followed my summers events, this will make perfect sense to you- for those who haven't, go with it.)
Granted- the sheets and pillows are mine- and that's all that really matters right?

I think the plan for this evening is to let a few things spill onto the screen- open up a bit on here as so few people actually read this thing anyway. I think I am sufficiently hidden from the world that I fear so much- don't you think? Along with hacking away at the keyboard, I think I may draw on myself- there is something completely liberating and theraputic to me about sketching frustrations onto my arms or hands only to see them wash away under water, never to be seen again. Pause, until I finish my current drawing...

It's incredibly more frustrating and anti-liberating to find that your pen of choice refuses to write on your skin. Grr.

So- I heard a fabulous story the other day, hopefully I can share it properly with you so that if may affect you as much as it did me.

A wonderful and beautiful friend of mine was enjoying a perfect summer day- usually these kind of days make even the most mature of us feel like a kid again. There is just something irrefutably inviting about a hot sunny day and an empty swing set in a shady park gently moving in the wind that makes us just want nothing but to swing. She of course, being the mature 20 year old that she is, made sure the coast was clear before bee-lining it to the closes chain link chair and began swinging as high as she could. You know how it goes, lean back, kick legs, tuck legs under, lean forward, rinse, repeat. We've all been there and we're all experts. As she was whipping back and forth through the air, she closed her eyes to just feel that all too familiar feeling and let herself be taken back to the days when jobs, school, grades, grad school, apartments, bills, and responsibilities were just a rumor that the "adults" talked about. Out of nowhere, she was startled out of this euphoric and nostalgic trance by a small but significant "HI!" coming from swing next to hers. The momentum of her swing gently died out as she noticed a young boy sitting still not 2 feet from where she was. As she came to a stop, she returned the greeting and he quickly asked her name. She responded, and asked his in return. He gave her his name, age, where he was born, when his birthday was, and added that he was completely clueless as to why he could "never get the swing to work." Being the wonderful person that she is, she jumped off her swing and offered up a proposition. "I tell you what, you tell me more about you, and I will push you on the swing, how does that sound?" He replied quite excitedly, "Sounds ok with me!" As she pushed the young gentleman, he began to tell her a story about how he lived not but a block from this park and that he used to come here all the time. His grandmother had lived next door to his house for all his life. She would pick him up after school and take him to the park. By pick him up at school, I really mean, she would walk down to the school and wait for him to get out. Then they would walk together down to the park and she would feed the birds while he would play with his friends. They usually left because it either got too dark, or it was time for dinner. Grandma would take him home and they would eat dinner at his house- sometime in the evening, grandma would go home to her house next door. He spoke quite fondly of his grandma telling stories about how she was once married to his grandfather whom he had never met, how she got in America. Apparently grandma used to tell him stories every day on the way home from school. Grandma also used to tell him that he could be anything he ever wanted to be, so long as he tried his best. He apparently fully believed it too- he was all set on becoming an astronaut one day. My friend asked the boy why he wanted to become an astronaut. He replied, "So I can go visit grandma anytime I want." The year previous, grandma had died a very peaceful death after quite a long bout with Cancer. Even with only a few months left to live and barely able to move in the mornings, grandma would wake up and meet him at school. It kept her alive for probably longer than she should have- that's what the doctors told him. Before she died, she told him that she wasn't going to leave him. She said that the she will be going to the stars, and since the stars are always in they sky, even when you can't see them during the day, she would always be watching him and would always walk him home from the park. "Grandma would probably like you a lot," he said to her. "I know she's watching and I'll bet she likes you." When asked if he still comes to the park after school, he said that his mom usually picks him up from work, so now he only comes on fridays when he gets out early. "I'll be here next friday. I hope you come."
"I wouldn't miss it for the world," she said.

Sometimes, I wonder why we choose to forsake our naivety for what we see as maturing. That was just a simple story that I wanted to share with you all. I had planned on delving into my own life and problems and concerns yet somehow, without trying, everything is easier to figure out now. The mentality of a child always seems to make more sense to me than the analytical logical mind of an adult or maturing adult. Thinking on emotions and feelings rather than logic and plans. That's something I have always tried to do- sadly though, as the summer and my life progesses, I find myself trying more and more to become the adult that I have always resented and avoided becoming. Is time a useless thing to fight? Will it eventually take me over and mold me into that thing I never wish to be? Is it unavoidable? Or is time and is maturity really just a state of mind?
That has been my journey lately. That has been my question for life. How can I maintain that youthful and fun attitude while still being able to handle worldy adult type things. I never want to grow up, in fact, if I could, I would live forever, just to see what toys came out next. How cool would that be? Really! Instead though- I must face my mortality and quit hiding behind computer games and excuses for not living life to its fullest. Every day that I waste playing some game, I feel more and more disconnected from a wonderful thing that I have been experiencing only in small amounts as of late- the world. There is so much to see, to hear, to feel, to smell, to touch, to explore, to learn and we barely get enough time to experience even the smallest fraction of what's to offer. So where do you start? With the things you love? Why start there, why not start with the things that you think you hate? Maybe you'll find out that you don't dislike it so bad.
Try loving for a change? Try letting go, for one brief second, let the walls down, let that person come charging in with every hope in your body and soul that they don't raze your true being and leave you mangled in their wake. And if they do... so be it, you took the chance, you took the risk, one day, someone will come along who will not leave you for dead but rather, join you in whatever messed up state they find you in and honestly enjoy you for you. Have I found it? I don't know- maybe, maybe not. I can guarantee you this though- I am most certainly going to find out. There is too little time to spend wondering, "What if this is the one?" or worse yet, "What if this isn't the one, and I am making a terrible mistake?" Well- my solution- there's only one way to find out. Jump in. Both feet. Close your eyes, don't even pretend to know where you're jumping because all the thinking in the world can never prepare you for the landing you are going to take. You are jumping into a black hole and the bottom is completely 50/50. Don't think, don't dwell, just go with it.

With that, and my twisted rampant mind at somewhat rest, I will try leaving this post now. Maybe I will start posting on a more regular basis so my purges don't come out as 3-page entries. Then again, where is the fun in that. Not to mention, I can find out who actually cares because they will take the time to read the whole thing regardless of pointlessness or not. In closing, this is me jumping- I only hope that someone, will catch me. Or at least fall square on their ass with me so at least I can laugh with somebody when everything goes to hell. I'm just as scared as you are- I just refuse to let that be my first thought.
Love you all, and good night.